So I never really shared my story publicly before, so here goes nothing. Do you know what it feels like to get trapped in your own mind? It's like being a part of Alice in Wonderland. It is the perfect combination of falling down the rabbit hole and the mad hatter. I can't tell you what specifically started it all, except that it's bits and pieces. I was starting the 5th grade being nervous and scared because I was going to a new school and most of the kids have known each other since nursery. I was one of the golden kids, meaning I was one of five mixed kids in a class of 52.
As time went on, I started to feel out of place, I asked myself, “how come no one likes me?” “Why aren't I pretty like the other girls?” The thoughts started to get darker to the point I thought why am I here because no one is going to miss me. Especially since my cousin is everyone's favorite anyway. I first tried to commit suicide at the age of 10. I took some pills and went to sleep. I woke up the next day asking myself how come it didn't work. Years later and I still struggled with the thought. Getting older, I also came to the realization that I like women. Growing up in a religious household it's not acceptable. I used to pray every night asking God to please change me because I didn’t want to be this way. I was struggling with my sexuality for so long and not being able to express it was weighing down on me. On top of that, I was still struggling with finding myself and being good enough.
I was always seen as the funny good friend, with a smile or always laughing. My mother and I did not always have the best relationship. No one knew what I was battling. At one point I didn't even think I was going to college. But I did. I graduated and headed to college. That's when things really started spiralling. I went to a school that I initially didn't want to go because I never heard of it until my mom told me I had an interview to be admitted. A lot of family issues occurred during that time making me want to drop out or transfer.
It was also the first time I entered a long-term relationship and truly fell in love but it eventually became unhealthy. That's when the mood swings started happening and the lack of sleep. Once again, I started to struggle with the idea of suicide. How can someone that you once wanted to spend the rest of your life with tell you that you're suicidal for attention. Why would I even consider that as an act for attention? I didn't want attention; I wanted to die. At this point I started to isolate myself, sleeping for hours, angry, and was lashing out. I would get sad out of nowhere, start crying and not know why. We eventually broke up and it felt like the end of the world.
Here I am not only alone but also feeling like a stranger and could not be myself in my own home. That's when I was truly fed up. I came up with a plan to finally be free and not be a burden any longer. I bought boxes of pills and bottles of alcohol and decided one night I was going to do it. I told a friend of mine that we should go out that night. it was October 1,2014. We ended up bar hopping and once we left I decided I wouldn't even write a letter. I took the boxes and drank all the bottles I bought and eventually went to sleep. I woke up in the middle of the night thinking what happened which led me to take more and go to the hospital so my family wouldn’t find my body.
I had ended up getting my stomach pumped from passing out. I Woke up to the doctors telling me they can't release me because of my blood pressure and that I was going to another hospital because there were no more beds available. I woke up angry with not only myself but with God wondering why didn’t he let me die. I tried to plead with the doctors to let me go and I'll visit to avoid being committed but It did me no good. So I was transported to a different hospital. From October 2-23rd I was committed. I found out form being there that I suffered from bipolar disorder with recurrent severe depression. None of my friends knew where I was except a few but even then I felt like no one cared. The struggle unfortunately continued for me. Not only was I dealing with mental health issues but health as well. I needed to have surgery. I was so frustrated because it felt like it just won't end for me.
On the bright side, I did graduate from college. From being released I went through 5 different therapist, 3 psychiatrist, and 8 medications. I eventually had to get hospitalized again. The most recent hospitalization, I wasn't as angry due to the fact I had a support system from my grandparents and friends. I eventually came out to my mother though it wasn't pretty. She has come to terms with it and tolerated it. Fortunately for me I ended up with a therapist who hasn't given up and go see weekly. There are times where I still struggle but I'm still here. Everyday is progress for me; I recently got a new full time job. I realized I have to love me for me. I'm perfectly imperfect. It's ok to let people in at times and they do care. There's always hope. Hopefully I'll find love again. I leave with saying this. You are worth it, you matter!! Your imperfections make you perfectly imperfect! Someone cares about you.