When I lost it all…

This will probably be the most difficult post that I will write for a while but I did say I wanted to be transparent so here goes nothing…

I was rummaging through emails late last night because I couldn’t sleep and there was nothing interesting on any of my social media platforms. I eventually came across a diary entry I made online in 2012 and two blog posts I made in 2013 (I’ve been running from this calling for a long time). Reading those posts brought back so many painful memories but it was nice to see how far God has brought me. I will post the exact post here since I will delete the original.

Hello all. For a couple of days, I have been thinking about writing about my testimony and sharing it with others. This idea had come to mind months ago but I ignored it. After reading the testimony of another blogger, Mimi Atkins, the idea popped in my head once more. Guess what I did? Exactly, I ignored it. I guess I felt to ashamed to share what a mess I was before I had God in my life. But I realized God doesn’t fix “perfect” people. He goes directly for the broken, the hot mess and the people who are lost causes. So I decided to not ignore this anymore. Please know that I am still a work in progress and God is not through with me yet. This is a testimony among many others. Enjoy and be blessed.

I don’t know exactly where to start but I’ll just let the Spirit guide me. It begins at the time when I was in either the 4th grade. I guess you can say I’ve been a troublemaker.  I had the most stank attitude in the WORLD. It was so bad; I didn’t care who I was talking to and their feelings. I didn’t like the idea of someone controlling me. The thought of an authoritative figure was like a cold that I kept fighting back. I didn’t have the care in the world. Been into fights here and there, getting suspensions, I was a HOT MESS. I didn’t realize the pain I was causing people around me and frankly, I didn’t care. If I wanted to do something, I would do it. This bad attitude was going on until the age of 11 or 12 when I got baptized. That was the first time God talked to me. So I was like: “ok God you win. I’m done with all of this.” Everything was going well or so I thought. The devil was on full attack. I began hanging around bad crowds and so badly wanted to be like them. So I ‘ran away’ from home. In grade 7, I had my first sexual experience with a boy and that sparked up my yearning for porn. In grade 10, I smoked weed for a month straight. I asked God for forgiveness but didn’t realize that every time I sinned, it was like the prayers never mattered because I kept doing the same thing over again.  After graduation I stopped all the lies, hanging with the wrong crowd, boys, everything. But there was one thing that had its hold on me. I seemed “perfect” and happy on the outside. Always smiling but the devil knew where to get me. My addiction to porn grew even stronger. It came to a point where if I didn’t watch, I would feel incomplete. I realized what I was doing was wrong and I knew I was hurting God but I continued to do it anyways. I would feel bad the next morning but a few weeks later I would do it again. It was a vicious cycle that I couldn’t seem to break. But there is a God! I was fed up!!!!!! I couldn’t hurt God or myself this way. The last few days of 2012, I watched this hour-long YouTube video. It was about this man who died and went on this journey to ask God for his life back. When he finally reached God, He said: “all the things you have done were not for me but for yourself. Why should I give you your life back?” this hit me in such a way I didn’t expect. It was like God was speaking to me. Ever since that video, God kept telling me to smarten up and re-evaluate my life and see how I am living. Odd enough, December 31st, my pastor was speaking on the same subject I was thinking about. That same day, I came across this woman called Heather Lindsay and her organization Pinky Promise. It is about making a vow to God to stay pure until the ‘Adam’ that God created for me comes along. She was my inspiration for my journey to talk to God on a daily basis and to continue my journey on being pure. Don’t get me wrong; I am still a work in progress but GOD IS ABLE. I will continue to be the woman God wants me to be and there’s nothing that is going to stop me. I am determined to please God in any way I can and to show others that God is just not some figment of imagination. He is REALLLLLL. He is amazing, awesome, loving, and caring, the best friend I can have, merciful, faithful, my mother, my father and most importantly, my all. If it was not for him, I would have either been dead, in jail or pregnant. By His amazing grace, he SAVED me and I will do anything I can to serve him. I just ask for anyone who reads this to pray for me and I will do the same. I love all of you and God bless. : D

I battled with that addiction for many years after that and I can proudly say that through prayer, God has finally delivered me. Sex is such a sensitive subject in the church and it’s talked about with such venom, which I can’t really appreciate. I’m well aware of what the bible states but we are not God and have no power in condemning others when we have our own skeletons. But that is a post for a different day.

Throughout my elementary and high school years, I’ve always felt like the black sheep. Just constantly getting in trouble and honestly, I did it for attention. I eventually grew up but there was a point in time I wanted to end it all.

It was my last year of high school and I just had a mental breakdown. Everything in my life was just going wrong. I was in a cage and couldn’t breathe and I thought the only way out was to commit suicide. I was in such a dark place; it was HONESTLY by the grace of God I made it out. I remember the day so vividly. It was the last period of the day, my World Issues class and my two best friends at the time came by my locker like usually and just talked about regular high school stuff. I was extremely quiet and one of my friends asked me what was wrong. I just shook my head and said, “Nothing I’m fine”. Thankful, she let it go. More of our friends came by and they were laughing, having a good ol’ time and I just broke down. I was crying to the point where I couldn’t breathe. I ran to the bathroom and just cried. I begged my friends to leave me alone because I didn’t want to talk about it.

I was upset the entire two-hour bus ride home (I lived pretty far from school, not fun). My parents weren’t home and I went straight to the bathroom and found a plastic bag. I thought to myself, let me use this and suffocate myself but I was so scared of the pain, I didn’t go through with it. So I found a razor. I was going to cut my wrist the correct way and just bleed out and let my mother find me. I didn’t even plan a suicide note. I wanted the pain to go away. Just as I was about to do it, I heard a loud voice scream at me JEREMIAH 29:11. I ignored it at first but the voice kept yelling at me. Frustrated, I put the razor down and looked up the verse. It says, “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” I cried out every ounce of water I had in body. God had a purpose for my life I was about to throw it all away because I was hurting. I battled with depression and anxiety ever since then but I knew I never wanted to be in that dark hole every again.

We all have stories and experiences that are so profound we are afraid to tell them. I’m no longer afraid. God never said this journey would be easy but He did He will always be there. My friends couldn’t save, nor my family, not even myself. Only God. If you’re battling thoughts of suicide, please, find help wherever you can. I hope and pray that you do before it is too late.

National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 800-273-TALK (8255)

I love you. God loves you.

With Love,

N