Back and Better

I know, I have been gone for quite some time and honestly I was hiding. I was hiding from my calling, I allowed the enemy to attack and attack and attack. I doubted God. I didn’t believe in His promise. I gave up on myself and the grace and anointing I have on my life. But today, I say no more.

I will continue to write whatever God has placed on my heart because this blog isn’t about me; it’s about His children that need confirmation, healing, joy or peace. I’m still human but God is still working on me.

This transformation all started February 3, when I would read my devotions as usual. And the message focused on Judges 6, the story of Gideon. A little bit of background info, the people of Israel were so deep in sin, it was like a vicious cycle. They worshipped God, He delivers them and they go back to worshipping their idols. So God knew he needed a vessel (this word is important for later on) to break that cycle and deliver his people so Gideon was that lucky person. But just like any person, Gideon was giving God the side eye because he felt he was in no position to deliver any one. His father was one of the main folks who built an altar of Baal (the idol) and God asked him to go against his entire family (Judges 6:25 NLT). Despite all his doubt, Gideon did it anyways. The story continues on how Gideon was questioning God and making sure He would be there like He promised (verse 36-40).

At this point, I’m like ok God, why are you pointing the mirror at me? Are you trying to say that I’m like Gideon, that I question you and doubt your word and myself? And what did God say, YES! But the thing is I’m not the only one. There is nothing wrong with asking God for confirmation, but where the grey area lies is when we don’t trust Him. He said in His word time and time again that He would be there by our side. He even said He would go before us and not forsakes us (Deut. 31:8).

That still wasn’t enough for little ol’ me so God had to step it up a notch.

I was doing another devotional (shout out to Kiarra and the #4UMovement) and Jeremiah 1:5-10 (NLT) just stuck out to me. It reads,

5 “I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb.

Before you were born I set you apart

And appointed you as my prophet to the nations.”

6 “O Sovereign Lord,” I said, “I can’t speak for you! I’m too young!”

7 The Lord replied, “Don’t say, ‘I’m too young,’ for you must go wherever I send you and say whatever I tell you. 8 And don’t be afraid of the people, for I will be with you and will protect you. I, the Lord, have spoken!” 9 Then the Lord reached out and touched my mouth and said,

“Look, I have put my words in your mouth!

10 Today I appoint you to stand up

Against nations and kingdoms.

Some you must uproot and tear down,

Destroy and overthrow.

Others you must build up

And plant.”

I was just asking God what are you trying to say to me? What is the purpose of this?

Now that same night, I was extremely tired but I just couldn’t sleep so I decided to watch a sermon from my old church online and I got all the confirmation, revival, revelation, you name it.

The pastor was speaking on the story of Jonas and how he was running from his calling and ended up in a whale’s mouth (Jonas 1:1-3). The first thing he said was “God needs a vessel to send a message to his children, he needs you” (see? I told you it was important). He continues to expand on that and I’m just like all right, now I’m starting to understand why I can’t sleep. Then he goes to Ezekiel 22:30 (NLT),

30 “I looked for someone who might rebuild the wall of righteousness that guards the land. I searched for someone to stand in the gap in the wall so I wouldn’t have to destroy the land, but I found no one. 31 So now I will pour out my fury on them, consuming them with the fire of my anger. I will heap on their heads the full penalty for all their sins. I, the Sovereign Lord, have spoken!”

The part that stood out to me was God saying He found ‘no one’. Wait a minute? I’m right here God. I am your servant why not choose me? God replied through the pastor when he said “Somebody else’s’ manifestation is dependent on you being that vessel.” I instantly thought of this blog. I gave up on it. God wasn’t speaking to me; I was frustrated about getting a job and just dealing with a lot of unresolved emotions. I put my own will before God’s. During that sermon, God yelled at me to STOP RUNNING. I felt at peace because I knew He had a plan and He will come through on all of His promises.

I discovered a new fire of praying and really letting God be Himself and work through me. Bae and I fasted and when I tell y’all the blessings we BOTH received?! The trials were definitely worth it.

God placed this blog on my heart, not only that, but I know He has a calling on my life and I will continue until He tells me to stop.

I want to encourage you to keep going. The journey is rough but God will fight on your behalf (Exodus 14:14).

With love,

N.