It has been exactly 5 months and 3 weeks since I made the biggest decision of my life. I knew for a while now that I wasn’t happy and I needed to do something for me, for once. I knew the risks and the hurt that would eventually come but I needed to break free. Living like this, in constant stress and confusion wasn’t what I wanted for myself and I’m almost positive that God didn’t intend this for me either. I didn’t know where to begin but I knew the only way was out.
This all started in the month of August when I lost my job. I finally secured something that was full-time and I was so happy. I could finally eat and my bills would be paid. All of that came to an end, specifically on the 23rd of that month. I couldn’t bear to tell my parents that I couldn’t support myself. They struggled at times to support me and I didn’t want to be that burden again. I already disappointed them but not completing university on time, I didn’t have it in me to do it again. But what other choice did I have?
Swallowing my pride, I called them up one night and told them everything. They asked every question a parent would. What happened? How did it happen? What are you going to do? I couldn’t answer those questions because I didn’t know either. So they came up with the idea of staying until I graduated in December and then move to Toronto with my siblings. I reluctantly agreed.
During those five months, I struggled heavily with depression and anxiety. I was constantly worried about how I was going to eat and which bill was more important to pay. There have been a few days where I went to food banks, a few days where I didn’t eat and others where I was on an oatmeal and water diet. I shunned myself from the world and was content in my loneliness. I cried so much that I didn’t have water left in me. I barely took a shower or cleaned so who knows the germs that were living in my room. I checked out and didn’t care.
My parents did what they could but I still couldn’t shake off the feeling of being a failure. My siblings were doing so much better in life. Paying off school, having well-paying jobs, living the city life. Whereas for me, the black sheep. Experiencing every wrong that could happen. I felt like I didn’t belong in my own family, like they were ashamed of me. I was the last one to leave the nest and I couldn’t even do that right.
I had no emotion towards anything. I simply didn’t care. And my relationship with God vanished. He abandoned me. He allowed all of this bad to happen and I had nothing to say to him. I thought I was his beloved child but yet, I was going through multiple storms and couldn’t swim.
With that mindset, December came around and here I am moving once again. The first few weeks weren’t terrible but I was still feeling down. Seeing my siblings get up and enjoy life every day was starting to take a toll on me. I felt like a waste of space. I sat on the desk day and night, applying for jobs in my field. I became obsessed with it but I didn’t want to be stuck in their apartment anymore. I had bills on top of bills to pay for and I didn’t have much time.
For weeks, no word on a job came but that was okay. Life is just adding on more stress to the pile. This was something I was used to by now. But one day, I just couldn’t take it. So I took some pills and drank a full cup of wine, went to sleep and praying I didn’t wake up. The next day I was angry. First God didn’t have the audacity to give me a job and now he couldn’t even let me die?
I was completely over life. I didn’t want to stay in Toronto or move back in with my parents. I took matters into my own hands. One night, I called my boyfriend at the time (now fiancé, God works wonders!!) and told him to come get me. I threw all of my stuff in his car, and drove across the border. We arrived in buffalo about four in the morning, went to bed and decided to deal with everything in the morning.
I woke up feeling on cloud nine. I was with the man who I love and I am finally free, but then reality kicked in.
How can I support myself in a city I know nothing about? I had a full-fledged panic attack and I was right back to feeling depressed.
Little did I know that God was still working on my behalf.
I lived with his parents for about a week, then I lived with a sorority sister of mine and finally with a few of college basketball players in a dorm room.
Man did we struggle!!!!! I am so grateful that I had my love with me while everything was so chaotic but I knew I couldn’t do this without him.
A few weeks between living with his parents house and my sorority sisters, I applied for a job at the mall and about a week or so later, I got the job. Not long after that I applied to grad school and got accepted and in the month of May, we moved into our own place. Now it’s almost September and were patiently waiting for school to begin and the birth of our first child that is due in February.
I write all of this to say that God will NEVER abandon you. And to be honest, there have been some days where I still struggle with being depressed and have suicidal thoughts. I wanted to share my testimony with you all that mental illness isn’t a fad or a simple situation. It is constant and never goes away. Praying doesn’t take it away, or medicine or therapy. It is something that we deal with everyday with the hopes of getting better.
Some days are better than others but we can all be there for each other and heal together. You are not alone. God loves you. I love you.