To the Future

Dear Nangie,

I just wanted to let you know that I’m ok. Things have been very tough though. I’ve been here since Tuesday and it takes all the energy I have to stop myself from crying. I am so tired. I am so tired of the hurt, the struggle and the pain I’ve caused other people. I knew this was going to happen, but at the time I didn’t care. I was selfish and only thought of myself. I didn’t think of the pain my family would go through and it’s eating me alive. I left everything that I knew to find happiness for myself. To make sure that I’M safe. But what about my family you know? There’s no turning back now. I have to continue pressing on. Giving up was never an option. But that doesn’t stop the pain from coming.

I am so afraid to sleep because I feel like I would dream about the pain. Or I will have another panic attack and not be able to wake up.

I don’t even know if God hears my prayers anymore. Maybe He’s upset at me that I moved quicker than He planned. I pray everyday and ask for guidance because I can’t do this alone. But I can’t sense him or hear him anymore. I have this paranoia of things going badly I can’t enjoy the present. My smile is short-lived and I feel empty. As much pain as I have, I still feel nothing, a never-ending dark hole. How did you survive? Please tell me all your secrets because right now, I am struggling.

I just want to succeed. Make everyone proud of me regardless of whether they approved or not.

I know my past doesn’t control me anymore, but it’s a work in progress to get over. Having flashbacks in the middle of the day is not fun but I have to deal with it.

I’ve tried so hard to not shut down on the one person I love but it gets harder every day. I don’t want to be sad; I want to smile because he loves it when I smile. He’s been nothing but perfect and I tell him every day how much he means to me.

I don’t even know what to do anymore. I feel like I wake up everyday and I’m existing.

I know you’re happy now. You have your own place, about to get married, the happy ending everyone wants. I just need some advice because I’m afraid to lose it…

This letter is not only for myself, but it is for all young girls who have felt/ are feeling what I went through. Change is never easy but it is necessary for growth and happiness. The journey will not easy but I want you all to know that you have us on your side.

There are steps to overcoming fear and anxiety and I want to help in any way that I can.

Steps to overcome fear:

  1. Figuring out your fear and why it is affecting you
  2. Try and focus on positivity and remove any negative in your space
  3. Take a step and believe in yourself

Everyone has different coping methods and experiences. This is just a guideline.

Fear is something that can be beaten.

To be continued…

With love,

N