So my boyfriend was oh so kind to make an appearance on my blog. ENJOY!
Hi, everyone! B here doing a guest appearance on her blog (it’s truly AMAZING, isn’t it?). So N and I were having a great discussion about love and our perception of love and how it has changed or evolved due to the progression of our relationship with God, past relationships and past circumstances, and she suggested that I provide a male perspective on it. It should be noted that I am incapable of saying no to her so as soon as she suggested it, I knew I’d be writing it. Buckle up; it’s going to be a long, bumpy ride.
My earliest perception of love was that it was merit-based. I grew up in a home environment in which outward affection was shown based on what I did or how I did, which I will admit affected me tremendously growing up and still, to an extent, affects me to this day (although N, with her unfailing love and patience, is helping me to get past it). I felt like I always had to do something to deserve love, which is unhealthy because you end up growing up thinking that you don’t deserve to be loved based solely on the fact that you’re you (if you didn’t know that you do, well now you know).
Growing up, I was (still am) a complete romantic and clung to an idealistic view of love, hoping what it really could be and searching for it, praying for it, and trying (mostly unsuccessfully) to find it, earn it, and keep it. I’ll admit I was desperate, and ended up in a couple of relationships in which I was essentially a meal waiting in a girl’s contacts, or a guaranteed thoughtful gift should the occasion arise, but never being mentally, emotionally, or spiritually reciprocated. I prayed night and day that I would find that love that would change my life and find someone who would ride for me the way I ride for them, who loved me for me, not just what I could do for them.
In my sophomore year of college, I thought I had found the one who was for me. She presented herself as ostensibly what I was looking for. She was very outwardly pronounced as a Christian (although she turned out to be very lukewarm and overall kind of vengeful in her faith, like praying for people’s downfall when she felt slighted), she had goals in life, and we had pretty good conversation. I won’t bore y’all with too many details, but over time, she revealed herself as self-serving and materialistic, loving me based solely on what I bought for her (and actively trying to cheat on me by her own admission). I, of course, didn’t see it at the time, but it was a toxic relationship that I clung to for over a year, until God finally said “ENOUGH” and gave me the strength to cut myself free.
After that, I once again thought I had found the one. We had gone to high school together and I had always had a crush on her. When I moved on from my previous relationship, she and I ended up together and would stay together for five years. It became a constant struggle to be reciprocated and treated like a king in the same way that I treated her like a queen. I took her happiness personally but it was very apparent after a while that she didn’t really care about mine so long as she got what she wanted. This was a point of contention to the point that me asking to be treated right (which nobody should EVER have to do) was treated like a burden, which is pretty messed up. Eventually, it got to a point where I was in the relationship by myself (for quite a while…like MONTHS), with her (by her own admission) not contributing anything. Once again, God said “ENOUGH.” By this time, my perception of love was that I deserved to be loved for me, loved as me, and not for what I could do or buy (as N put it once, I deserve to be treated as a king, not a wallet). I was TIRED, though, tired of getting it wrong, tired of being used and having my feelings put on the back burner, just tired. I developed trust issues from being lied to repeatedly. I knew what I wanted and what I felt I deserved, but I had no idea when or even IF I would ever get that.
Then, on October 16, 2016, my fraternity brother (I’m a member of Kappa Alpha Psi Fraternity, Incorporated) called me and told me to come meet him and some ladies of the Canadian chapters of Sigma Gamma Rho Sorority, Incorporated at IHOP. I was exhausted from church and had no intention of going, but as I napped while I made a decision (note: I never nap), God told me “get up and go”. I’m so happy I listened because when I got there, I met HER. She wasn’t paying me much mind (she was HUNGRY), but then she finally did notice me (I had this one really long blond eyebrow hair-which disappeared as soon as she noticed it!) and I looked into her eyes. Pause the story real quick: I’ve always believed in love, but never love at first sight, and I’m a very talkative person (if y’all couldn’t tell by how freaking long this post is), but one look into her eyes rendered me speechless and I felt an incredible warmth in my chest. The young woman I met, TRULY God-fearing, superlatively intelligent, petty, but sweet, funny, and let’s not forget GORGEOUS, had my attention. We clicked immediately and I felt as if I had known her my whole life. We began to talk and I fell HARD for her (still haven’t gotten up and don’t want to). We’ve been officially together since October 31, 2016 (I remember the exact time. She swore I wouldn’t). What I truly love about N is that I have grown so much closer to God with her (Our prayers and fasts helped me come to the decision to be baptized as an adult and to go back to school this Fall for my Doctorate in Christian Ministry), and she has put all of my trust issues, all of my hurt and pain, my perception of merit-based love, and my fear of being further used or taken for granted to rest. She puts up with me (I can be a lot at times) and she loves me for me. I thank God every day for her. We pray together daily and fast together regularly. Every day is not perfect, but she makes every day worth it. She is my virtuous woman from Proverbs 31:10-31. She has loved me in a way that has validated every experience I had before her, because clearly God wanted me to be ready to fully appreciate the amazing woman He had in store for me. You never know during your test what God is preparing you for, but as long as you remember that He plans to prosper you and not harm you (Jeremiah 29:11), He will, when you least expect it, deliver you and you’ll see EXACTLY why you had to go through Hell to get to Heaven.
I know this post has been really long (sorry y’all) but I do want to end it with a quick note to N:
Babe, you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m so lucky and blessed to have you and I’m excitedly looking forward to our future. Thank you for loving me and being mine and allowing me to love you and be yours. Forever and Always, my Honeybee. I love you.